Half a Heart

I Got This - Mixed Media Assemblage

I wrote this prose as a companion to a new series I'm working on called I Got This.  I'm also modifying the text as a lyric to a new song. The visual body of work was originally inspired by my book Art. Now. More Than Ever. which I'm just putting the finishing touches on. These abstract portraits are an exploration of confidence, and how we feel about ourselves internally versus how we represent and project our identity into the world.—————————————————————————————————————-I lost touch
It was all too much
I used to believe
Life was bigger than life
Sunsets gave me chills
And inspiration was simply an act of will
I felt like a hero in a Hollywood movie
I knew it wouldn’t be easy
But I’d persevere
I’d overcome
And everything would fall into place
Eventually
It happens slow
The years grind on
And it gets harder
To commit
To stay brave
To keep faith
Then one day you wake up
And there's too much to keep track of
Too much to maintain
Too many leaks to tend to
Just to keep the boat from sinking
I went down
And got unfound
I'm a stranger to myself now
I look in the mirror
And I think
Who's that?
When did he get here?
How long is he staying?
Maybe I should make up the guest room
He's old
And starting to gray
I knew he was coming
I expected him
But who knew he’d get here so soon?
By now I thought I’d be somewhere else
I thought I’d be someone else
I turn on the tv and check my phone
Everyone looks so confident
So sure of themselves
Beautiful pictures of vacations, houses and kids
Delicious meals
I want their life
Or I want that life
I'm not sure it's really their life either
I had to work this morning
I ate cereal for lunch
Right now I’m about to pull my hair out
And run down the street screaming in my underwear
With no shoes
What did I miss?
Where did I go wrong?
I feel bad for not feeling better
By most measures I've got it good
I'm an ungrateful prick
I still remember what it feels like
To be excited
To be interested
To want to be alive
It's like I'm tethered to a post
And that memory is here to tease me
With a biscuit
And promises
Just out of reach
If I look like I’ve got it together
Look again
My mind's not alright
When it's all too much
And you're out of touch
You become one more crazy
In a sea of crazies
Surrounded by so much crazy
You see nothing but crazy
Then suddenly
Nothing seems so crazy
And people say things like
"You'll get through it.”
Or…“You’ll see.
Things will change.”
You can die waiting for change.
Despite my best intentions
And years of hard work, discipline and effort
Somehow I wound up here
With half a heart
But half a heart
Is still a start
And if I'm sitting here bleeding
That means my heart is still beating
The game’s not over