A Whirlwind of Hmmm...

The Waitress, Florence - UV cured ink, acrylic on bi-level plexiglass

I’ve always got a thousand things to think about
Each pushing the next one out of the way
Posturing to get to the front of the line
Surging
Waving
Holding up signs
Like a mob
Me
No, ME
Now
NOW
Every one seems so important
Until I think a little more
Then I’m not so sure
Urgency is overrated
If you sound an alarm day and night
Eventually the brain will decide it’s background noise
And stop paying attention
This isn’t an excuse
It’s biology
Always so much coming at me
So little going with me
Even when everything is simple
It’s complicated
In spite of myself
I’ve always been the optimistic type
Launching myself at tomorrow
Like a circus performer
Shot from a cannon
Pointed
Determined
With purpose
And direction
Unfortunately
Determination alone
Doesn’t build nets
And yet still…
Here I am
Don’t mind the bloody face and the bruised ribs
They’re just collateral damage
From a series of ill advised landings
A few belly flops on the pavement will do that to you
I’m otherwise the same
Same body
Same life
Same spirit
I do have to say though
That something is different
Hard to put my finger on
It’s like I’m in the same game
But the rules have changed
They are now only suggestions
That aren’t always right
Maybe I’m wiser
Maybe
Hopefully
At least a little
I hear people talk
About how they wish they could be young again
I think they’re crazy
I wouldn’t trade a few pains, aches and wrinkles
For what I have now
Age matters
If you use it

I didn’t ask enough questions in school
I didn’t like the attention
I was shy and thought I’d be tipping my hand
At how little I knew
That’s why I wanted to be famous
Shooting myself at the starsI saw myself at the bottom
And I wanted a shortcut to the top
The problem was
Climbing that ladder
I could never tell
How far I had to fall
And how much higher I’d have to climb
The day I hopped off
Was one of the best of my life
I’m not so shy anymore
I ask the Universe a million questions every day
Now what?
Where to next?
How am I going to do this?
Is this it?
What if this is it?
Best I usually get back is
A giant cosmic shrug
A whirlwind of hmmm…..
But what if that’s it?
Sure, I get a lightning bolt from time to time
Where I can cry at the sight of a cloud
Or a voice climbs up from somewhere inside
And says “you’re going to be alright”
And I know it’s the truth
But the other 99.9% of the time
Is spent in between the revelations
Left to my own devices
Fending for myself
In that whirlwind of hmmm…..
The thing is, I see it now
That’s the magic
Anything is possible
At any moment
And the stakes are high
Any decision could cost me my life
But that same decision
Could MAKE me my life
I mean, C’mon
It’s horrible
And fantastic
Right?